Don't miss out on the last one: James Bond (Steve Martin) and Goldsting (Sting)!
The following has been brought to you by Reincarnation -- The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows.
The Joe Pesci Show - from Saturday Night Live (1995)
The Joe Pesci Show
Joe Pesci.....Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro.....Alec Baldwin
Mel Gibson.....Mark McKinney
Danny Glover.....Tim Meadows
Spider.....Will Ferrell
Brad Pitt.....David Spade
"...Joe Pesci: Joe, Joe! He's handsome and skinny, and I'm the crazy little tinny! I'll show you crazy! [ gets up and pounds Brad with his baseball bat, knocking him flat to the floor ] Hey, hey! Now that there, that's the "Legend of a Fall"! Hey, hey, Bobby, did you see the movie "Seven"?
Robert DeNiro: No, I did not.
Joe Pesci: Well, everyone's gonna see it now!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] One!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Two!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Three!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Four!
Hey, can you believe the movie's halfway over?!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Five!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Six!
[ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Seven!
Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, hey here's the sequel right here! [ kicks Brad ]..."
Daily Affirmation from SNL (1994)
Daily Affirmation
Stuart Smalley.....Al Franken
Michael Jackson.....Tim Meadows
Lisa Marie Presley.....Marisa Tomei
"...[Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley enter and kiss each other.]
Stuart Smalley: Oh, that is . . that is just beautiful. Touching, lovely. Have a seat. Now, even though I used your initials to protect your anonymity, everyone pretty much knows who you are. Lisa, of course, is the daughter of the King, Elvis P., and Lisa, you look beautiful.
Lisa Marie Presley: Thank you. That must be because I'm so very much in love. [An awkward silence fills the room.] He has a monkey.
Stuart Smalley: Uh-huh. And Michael, of course, has been one of our hugest singing stars since his days with the Jackson F.
Michael Jackson: Stuart, Lisa Marie and I love your show. Sometimes we'll just take a day off and lie in bed together and watch tapes of your show. That is, when we're not doing the nasty.
Stuart Smalley: It is so rare to see a couple kids so head over heels in love with each other. You know, your marriage is a real inspiration. It gives all of us hope.
Lisa Marie Presley: We have a Ferris wheel on our front lawn.
Michael Jackson: Excuse me, Stuart. Girl, you wake up the devil in me.
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some.
[The two kiss again.]..."
Subway Guitarist from SNL 1993
Subway Guitarist
Young Man.....David Spade
Guitarist.....Rob Schneider
Yuppie.....Jeff Goldblum
Harmonica Player.....Adam Sandler
"...[guitarist continues playing, as a Yuppie walks by and tosses some loose change into the open guitar case ]
Guitarist: [ again offended ] Hey, what are you throwing money in there for?
Yuppie: [ confused ] Well, you're a street musician, right?
Guitarist: Yeah? So?
Yuppie: So, I'm giving you mnoey.
Guitarist: I'm an artist! I'm not doing this for money!
Yuppie: Then, why do you have change in there?
Guitarist: 'Cause that's where I keep my change! In my guitar case! There's no law against it!
Yuppie: Okay. [ takes his change back, begins to read his newspaper while waiting for his subway car ]
Guitarist: [ singing ]
'Please give me money
I'm very hungry.
Please give me money
So I can eat.
I don't have another job
This is what I do for a living.
Please give me money
So I won't starve.'..."
Bullets Aren't Cheap from SNL 1987
Bullets Aren't Cheap
M.....Jon Lovitz
Miss Moneypenny.....Nora Dunn
James Bond.....Steve Martin
Date.....Jan Hooks
Waiter.....Phil Hartman
Dealer.....Vicotia Jackson
Goldsting.....Sting
"...Goldsting: Gregory.. tonight, Mr. Bond's drinks will be.. complimentary.
[ music sting ]
James Bond: Goldsting!
Goldsting: So, Mr. Bond, we meet again.
James Bond: So this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder.
Goldsting: I'm a businessman, Mr. Bond. Do you play baccarat?
James Bond: Yes. [ Goldsting eyes him down ] Oh, now? Now. Sure.
[ they sit at the table ]
Goldsting: Deal Mr. Bond a hand, would you, Victoria?
Date: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.
James Bond: Oh, like I do? [ reaches for a single note ] Alright. I'll bet.. mmm.. one pound. ..."
COMING SOON:
The Three Amigos in SNL
Conan O'Brien as Moleculo The Molecular Maaaann!
Ben Stiller as Tom Cruise in Celebrity Jeopardy
