HOW NOT TO STAGE A COUP IN THE PHILIPPINES
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Here's a step by step instruction on how NOT to organize a coup.
1. Once you receive a super duper confidential and confirmed report that members of a Special Forces army group have gone AWOL with high powered weapons, immediately announce to the unsuspecting public that there is no coup attempt. Repeat the message (make sure it's in the headlines of all the newspapers) for a couple of days.
2. Hours before rebel soldiers infiltrate and control a hotel, immediately announce to the dumbfounded public that "some" soldiers have disappeared and may LIKELY stage a coup.
3. Once rebel soldiers arrive, make sure that the police just stand idly by. Make sure that they do not interfere while the rebel soldiers start laying down C4 explosives in and around the area. It is imperative that the police are there so no one will disrupt whatever the rebels are doing.
4. Allow news reporters and some curious bystanders access to all areas even stand side by side with the soldiers, talk to them, take pictures of them, even while these rebels are still laying down C4 explosives.
5. Once the rebels have settled in the hotel and fortified their positions, alert the military. Again, this has to be done only AFTER the explosives are set, the rebels are inside and safe, and the police are still scratching their scrotum wondering what they'll have for breakfast. Also make evacuation of guests in nearby hotels voluntary not mandatory. Allow reprters and bystanders free reign of the area. Make sure NOT to cordon and secure the area. Let everyone come in and out of the hotel. Remember it is NOT a coup.
6. Now, this is important. Do not forget to do this since it might jeopardize your NOT Coup attempt. Have I got your attention? OK then, here it is, close all McDonald outlets around the area. Very important here. Close the Mickey Ds. Close em down. The reason is highly classified and should not be released to the public. Ever.
7. Let the rebels announce that they are not staging a coup. They just want change in leadership.
8. Transfer the ex-President to a safe area only to return him to his previous place after threats from his lawyer. Make sure to announce that he is NOT a suspect despite the fact that the meeting place of the rebels used to be owned by him.
9. Let one Senator (who led a failed coup attempt) and an army colonel (who is supposed to be the previous leader of the rebels) enter the hotel and let them have private discussions with the rebels. Make sure to announce to the public that the rebels are holding pamphlets written by the senator. Again, announce that these two are not suspects and are there to help ease the situation.
10. Make sure that the Vice President announce that the demands of the rebels is legitimate. Highlight one of the demands is for the President to step down. Again, announce that this is not a coup.
11. After lunch, announce a 5pm deadline.
12. Minutes before the deadline, announce that the deadline is extended until 7pm.
13. Minutes before 7pm, announce that the extension of the deadline is indefinite since the rebels are still talking to the press.
14. Announce that there will be no school the next day. Ooops, sorry, let the schools decide if they want to hold classes the next day.
15. Hold Mass in church.
16. Be firm when you order the rebels to "Stand Down". Do not use the word "surrender".
17. Once the rebels have "stood down", escort them back to their barracks. Do not put them in handcuffs. Do not let them leave their firearms, and further more do not check the identities of the news reporters leaving the area who suspiciously look like rebels in civilian clothes who have not staged a coup in the area.
18. Once everything is over. Come out, hold a press conference with a very happy face and say that everything is fine and ok.
19. Do not announce how many bombs were laid, how many were diffused, and make sure that the area is open for business the next day. Let the civilians discover if there were any forgotten C4 explosives lying around.
20. Hold your State of the Nation Address to both congress and senate and state you had a very fruitful and stable year.
21. Let film producers approach the rebel soldiers of offers for their life stories in soon to be made movies.
22. After everything has settled down, ignore the senator, ignore the ex-president but demand that the Defense Secretary resign since he is the bad guy.
23. After everything is in order and "back to normal", then and only then order the police to be in heightened alert. Oh, and be sure to commend them for the way they handled the situation.
